fuck your future

it's all coming true, isn't it?

2006-09-14T21:41:00.000-05:00

You and me, a little different
though we tried to stay the same
It never leaves and when it changes
it is still a waiting game

I wait for a lonely breath
I wait to surface from this depth
I wait for the light to come
and take away these images I've kept
In my head
More than ever, I need to feel you
More than ever, I see the real you

You and me, our worst disaster would be waking up alone
Now we're free, drifting out like all the ones we didn't know
I wait for silence here
I wait for things to disappear
I wait for the ground to stop moving underneath my only fear
If I lose you I don't know
More than ever, I need to feel you
It's all around
More than ever, I see the real you
And it surrounds

Everything, everything we have had
Out of sight, out of mind
Given that what I see when I dream hurts like hell and back

More than ever, I need to feel you
It's all around
More than ever, I see the real you
And it surrounds
More than ever, I need to feel you
It's all around
More than ever, I see the real you
And it surrounds

light in his eyes.

2006-09-13T18:24:00.000-05:00

truefuckinglove.

it's like i'm doing everything i can to kill myself.

2006-09-10T17:16:00.000-05:00

remember all those exciting things i thought would happen? throw them out the window with the empty cigarette carton.
remember random break downs and that feeling of the world collapsing on your lungs? bring that back with the retro styles for fall.
i can't take this. i want to sleep forever.

i love when it rains while i'm depressed. it's oh-so appropo.

break it down:

currently hating;
-having no money
-working way to much
-work in general
-shitty shoes for work making my feet hurt
-the one pair of pants i can wear to work getting a hole in them
-my hair dye not working
-my back falling off/losing the back to my lip ring retainer for work
-college equaling big question mark
-being tired
-random breakdowns/crying sessions
-barely talking to my best friend. not that it's anything new. you're never there when i need you.
-trying to please everyone

currently loving;
-Yellowcard on tuesday
-submitting a story to rock fic press (i'll need good luck wishes).

These tired eyes can't stay open to wait for you. It's now or never.

didn't your mom teach you to not play with the deadly animals?

2006-09-05T13:07:00.000-05:00

karma. what goes around comes around. why haven't you learned that yet?
the croc hunter had it coming. seigfried had it coming. you're next.
you can't split the difference, the miles, the cash to make it right.
i'm turning more tricks for you than you realize.
you've made me a common day whore.
the road is coming to an end. your exit is next. exit: last straw to failure.
take it. miss it. your call.
"it's a long story..." that i've got nothing but time to hear.
you'll never share the details.
you like me in the dark. the shadows of your vibrance.
vibrance dies with beauty. once the beauty is gone, you'll have nothing but your vile blood.
vile blood staining the floor.
it's a beautiful sight to bloodshot eyes. eyes twinkling with stars. enough to light the night if you'd let it.
the casino of your life has announced over the loudspeaker that your chips are up.
you've run out. surprise. you're in debt.
pay the fuck up or get the fuck out.

currently seeking: everything i was.

2006-09-02T15:59:00.000-05:00

sometimes i just want to drive forever and never stop.
the way the smoke can circle the wheel and float over the dash board, like fingers ghosting over my skin. it's seduction in its purest form.

i'm making my way back to you.
and everything i used to be.
waiting is all that i can do.

Modern romances are cars out of control, just waiting for the crash.

2006-08-26T16:37:00.000-05:00

You could be the Jeanae to my Pete, if you cared that is.
crucify me for caring too much.
when it's not reciprocated it falls to nothing more than apathy.
if you want me, fill the sky with fire.
grab the stars before they explode and hand them to me on a silver platter.
i deserve that much.
part-time warriors never won the battle of the heart.

hawking out trends like a pimp.
i should get paid for this shit.
you only wish you were a jetsetter trendsetter.
thecoolestkidyou'llregretlettinggo.

my declaration.

2006-08-25T17:02:00.000-05:00

I spent most of my summer hanging out and now saying goodbye to the kids I grew up with. It's weird how they've become just that- the kids I grew up with. They won't be the kids I'll continue to grow with. Maybe I've outgrown them or they've outgrown me, in the end it doesn't matter but it will always be in the back of my (un)conscious. Some of them were hard goodbyes because I knew the time had come to let it die but there was too much security in it that I didn't want to lose and some of them were easy breaks, like an apple falling from a tree, I knew it was time to seperate.

My best friend leaves at the end of this week. We've promised each other that her going away to college won't change us all that much but I feel like that's an impossible promise. An impossible dream to achieve. She may not be going far (only to the U of M Duluth campus) but hell, she could be going to the U of M Twin Cities and still feel a world away because it's college. Without me. It's a world I will never know, at least not yet anyway, full of new and exciting people, things and ideas. I was always told that I am one of the best influences in her life and while I know she's intelligent, she doesn't always make the most intelligent choices (like we all do from time to time). I'm more than guilty of that, in fact, I think I may have reached my quota. But I worry for her. There were many times I acted as her conscious, or at least the nagging/overly cautious best friend and helped her make the right decision but I won't always be there to do that for her anymore. So, I worry. But I know at the same time, this is the time time for her to step out on her own and do just that- make the wrong choices and in the process, find herself. Just like it's time for me to the same. I just hope we don't lose each other in the process.

Mr. Gulner always told us that talk is cheap so I guess in a month, maybe two, maybe three, maybe who knows how long? But sometime along the way, we'll find the truth in the actions we chose.

Remember who has the "best" part of this bracelet.
I know you fear being alone but as long as you remember it, you're never alone.
You'll soon sleep fine (take your own advice).
Bitchesandhosallaround. Wealwaysdiditbest.
This place will never be the same without you in it.

Fully licensed (to kill) now.

this will be one funeral for media coverage.

2006-08-23T15:08:00.000-05:00

Tonight, we're going to turn down the lights.
Not in the way you're hoping.
This isn't your birth, or even your rebirth.
This isn't the cinematic moment when you become a woman.
The red dahlia, we can call you.
Don't ask me for my number. It's all under the covers.
"I'm sorry I sucked tonight."
I'm sorry I let you be my biggest mistake.
My mom always told me those mistakes are what makes you who you are.
Thanks, mom.
Sorry Jesus. I'm one big mistake for you to constantly redeem.

And in the end, we all know I'm not leaving without you.